What the 1% should have said

By: Just Regular Folks PR, Inc.

We here at the Just Regular Folks PR firm have bailed you out of some tight spots before (get it?). But all of a sudden, the “whining index” is on the rise. Suddenly, these noisy upstarts think they’re “entitled” to something more than a swift kick in the pants and no taxation on capital gains.

The problem? You’re getting sloppy with language. Remember, not everyone is as intelligent and hard-working as you are. If they were, they’d be making the big bucks too. Millions of low-class Americans are so dumb, they don’t even know how to move a factory to China. They’re so lazy, they don’t even hire lobbyists!

You guys need a primer on how to talk down to these lesser Americans:

• Don’t talk about “careers”! People aren’t going to have those anymore. Instead, talk up the huge revenue opportunities in selling your organs and blood.

• Don’t say: “Tax cuts for the wealthy”! Call it: “Returning money to its rightful owners.”

• If someone mentions taxing the rich, hit back with: “You mean America- hating bums literally robbing taxpayers at gunpoint?”

• Don’t use the words “millionaire” and “billionaire”! It’s just “upper-middle class”.

• Remember! When they wrote the constitution, only white male property owners could vote. So we’re getting back to what the framers intended.

•You aren’t raising the retirement age to 75! You’re extending job opportunities to millions of underemployed seniors.

•Don’t say “capitalism”! Say: “The only alternative to mass chaos and starvation.”

• Most important of all, relax! You’ve earned it! Anyway, we’re already working on getting complaining criminalized. This will all blow over soon.

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